On this New Year Day

I wish to pen down what I am thinking and feeling about her in this New Year day. Today is a New Year day for me because I am back to work and reached Chennai just now. I was thinking about her in last couple of days. I was thinking aloud because I had time to think and feel about her in these wee hours of 2008.
When I ask a question about my first impression about her when I met her some sixteen years before, I did get some answer. Was the first meeting a great feeling? I think the answer is yes. Now also many times, she keeps her long hairs open, don’t know why? First time when I met her in a small dingy library room, she was in a yellow dress and her long hairs falling over the whole face. I asked someone about her name and someone answered with the name. She looked up and that look was mesmerizing for me. Her eyes were like waters of a clean village pond, full of purity and innocence. She smiled and walked away with her friend. Her friend was also close to me but ultimately fell into a relationship with one of my younger colleague. Then I met her in formal occasions many times and subsequent to one year or so, met her boyfriend also. Alas, if she could have been my girlfriend at that point of time. We were close in our professional roles and then one day she was gone forever to some unknown world. With her also went those colourful dresses, long hair playing with her face and also the face with heavy lipstick use. Did she ever go out of mind? I don’t think so. She came in between a transient period for me. I was just coming out of a relationship and was confused about life. I was in no mood to think and work in the directions that my heart was showing me. I was lost with lots of issues of life and thought of getting married. Ultimately to get over these thought cycles and to plan the life I got married or should I say I was made to marry and settle down.

Life ran its own course with ‘get, set and go’ and as life progressed the distance between both of us increased. Has he ever fed from my memory? I think the answer is ‘no’. You may seek the reason but I don’t have the reason except her name. If you see my gamut of poetry at my teen, most of them are about rain, monsoon and moon. It must be the level of unspent romanticism within me that guided me for the same mood during college days. I think other than these three imageries I have used Kabita Mishra, a dog, kabuliwala as metaphors in my poetry and stories, but monsoon was the strongest metaphor that I have used in my creative pursuit.

May be it was destined that we will come full circle after so many years by treading so many different paths and finally merge with each other and then plan that, “chalo, life has brought us so far with our own doses of pain, fear and loss and now we will live for each other” when we will go out of this world, at least I will dies a satisfactory death that there was a life for which I lived so many years and loved her unintentionally. Every time I think about her, it reminds me of now how many years are left in life for seeing each other and living for each other, but how many years of life I have wasted just waiting for her. I wish I could live back those years with her.
I wish she reads these pages and feels the same was as I feel. I wish she will give me some days of her life where she will live only for me, with me for whole of twenty four hours. I wish I could touch her, feel her presence around me and hold her hard to myself; I wish I could have lived in her heart forever as she is living within me for all these years and would live till I die and miss forever. I wish I could hold her face close to me; wish I could cover my face with her long hairs, wish she would murmur about this intensity through my years and wish her smell would make me mad like the deer in the forest who runs to find out the source of the smell which comes from within. I wish her to read my blog and think and feel the way I feel about her.